Most blog posts I've read regarding the 50 Shades series has been, well, much less than kind. It focuses on how horrible Christian is, how stupid Ana is, and how they hope no one ever sees this movie or reads the books. They also hope no children ever set eye on anything related to it for fear that they will think that's what is normal.
Um... yeah... about that...
If anyone thinks this is really what happens in a normal BDSM relationship, they are sorely mistaken. This series was meant to entertain and make money. That's exactly what it did. It made a whole bunch of money. It served it's purpose.
But there has been a downside to all of this. And it affects more people than you realize. An entire community of people have been called out and chastised for something that, in reality, isn't even close to what really goes on.
So, I'm wanting to set some things straight.
I saw the movie. Yes I did. I said it. I was excited to go. I have read all the books and enjoyed them. It's not the most amazing writing of the century, but it's good none the less. There are definitely worse writers in the world.
If anyone thinks this is really what happens in a normal BDSM relationship, they are sorely mistaken.
First and foremost, stalkers are frowned upon just like in the "real" world. BDSM isn't about stalking, breaking and entering, or one having complete ownership and control against the other's will. I mean, unless you are into that sort of thing. That stalker relationship can be found, but it's because BOTH people have consented to it first.
Second; the red room of pain. Oh my goodness. Really? Okay, we all have lives here. Most people in the community do NOT have an entire room dedicated to torturing someone. It's done in bedrooms, living rooms, basements, and bathrooms. It's hidden from the kids, nosey neighbors, and prying in-laws. They aren't public about it except for those that are in the community and maybe a few trusted friends or family members. There's a really good chance that someone you know secretly has a kinky side that you aren't aware of.
Of course, there is the famous question that almost everyone has asked someone in the kink world.
Why would you do this? Why would you let someone bruise and mark you? Why would you want to hurt someone you love? What is the appeal to you? How do you think this is normal?
Well, everyone's answer is different. Everyone does it for different reasons. There are different motives for different people and for different situations.
Luckily, I happen to know a few. And I asked them two questions...
Why does kink appeal to you? What do you get out of it?
Here are a few responses...
I've found that the "control freak" I am in my everyday life lead me to want to be more controlling in the bed room. However, not every girlfriend and significant other I've had over the years was into trying anything other than complete vanilla sex. The kink scene has allowed me to explore all the things I'm interested in with limited judgement and allowed me to find like minded people. So "what do I get out of it?" I get friends that understand me in a way many can't or won't, extreme sexual pleasure, and the feeling that I'm not weird or a freak for liking the things I like. --Male
It allows me to let go of everything else when I play. I tend to play rather intense. I loose any thoughts of everything else and focus purely on the scene and what is happening. So it gives me something to focus on and that I can be in control of. I enjoy it because it's like hitting a reset button in my mind. It's calming for me. -- Male
I'd known for a while that I preferred porn and erotic stories with a kinky aspect, usually coercion or rape. However, I got into the scene by trying to impress a girl and research. The girl was not suitable impressed but I was left with a book titled, "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns." I finished reading the book and was intrigued enough to ask a friend who was very sex positive about it. She pointed me to this website and the rest is history. As to what I get out of kink, I enjoy the various sensations, I've come to terms with the fact that I like to inflict pain (with consent), and that I am not alone. --Male
My over 18 start was when my ex choked me. I really liked it. But it seemed dangerous, for obvious reasons, so I started researching to see if there was a safer way to go about it. And found information on so many of the pieces of my fantasies. Amd the research never stopped. I have so much information in my head. Later I met my mentor, and he showed me some of it in practice. And the more I learn, and try, the more I want to learn and try. Kink runs in my veins, I swear. -- Female
I discovered my interest in BDSM through reading erotica. Vanilla sex in the mainstream romance novels I read were hot, too. But I always found myself drawn to the darker, heavier stuff. The one where the hero(ine) gets tied up, gagged and blindfolded; where the consent is dubious. When someone is taken out of their comfort zone, their pleasure almost bordering pain, or mingled with it. I especially liked the ones that have a primal, predator/prey theme. Forced seduction. Roleplay. Those are my fantasies. They excite me more than anything vanilla I could think of, and I hope to experience some of those things. -- Female
I get friends that understand me in a way many can't or won't, extreme sexual pleasure, and the feeling that I'm not weird or a freak for liking the things I like.
It doesn't make any of them sick or twisted. It doesn't mean that they shouldn't have kids or families. It doesn't mean they can't do anything any "vanilla" person could or would do.
This movie, 50 Shades of Grey, has warped that a little. It's not anyone's fault in particular. I'm sure a ton of people were involved with the misrepresentation of the kink community. And that's totally fine.
But please don't judge a whole community of people based on one stupid movie. Be sure to learn about what you are insulting. Because you never really know who you know that could be hurt by the gross misrepresentation and rude comments.
Just remember to spread the love. With kind words, a big hug, or a whip... Depends on who you are...