I know a lot of it is all of the craziness going on right now. Packing for a week vacation in Washington, then getting back and sending Chase off to camp for a week with his grandparents, then right after they get back, his 2nd birthday party. All while trying to fit in doctor's appointments, therapy appointments, keeping up with the house and mountains of laundry, and keeping track of my head. It's just a lot all at once, and that's no one's fault.
But even I still have my days of, "Really? More pills? More drama? More of this 'mental' nonsense?" The other night I was telling Kyle how much I was over taking meds. I know they are good for me. I know they are working. But I still have those days of "I'm just done with this crap." Trying to keep a smile on my face is a struggle, and keeping my cool is damn near impossible. This past week I had my first day in a long time where I had to call Chase's great-grandma begging her to take Chase because I just could not take it. I haven't had to do that in a while (or what I consider a while). And doing that was hard too!
I was doing so well! I was starting to turn things around! I just told my psychiatrist these meds were working damnit!
Even as hard as I try, I still fall down. I still get stuck in the mud. And it can take a couple of days to pull myself out. Today was an okay day. I got to spend time with my family just doing stupid stuff. I didn't do a whole lot of anything. It was a day to just get myself reset.
Luckily, I have an amazing husband who is very understanding of all of this. He understands that I need a day to recover from having a bout of "stuck in the mud-ness." He lets me have my space, spends the day with the kids (which is good for him too), helps with any chores, and snuggles if I want. He's an amazing man that I could not imagine going through this without.
Hopefully these few days have passed, and I'm back on track. I'm looking forward to this vacation too much. But then again, you can't plan for depression, but depression plans on you.