So, while I've never officially stated where I work, I'm sure if you tried hard enough, you could figure it out by the title. I'll never straight give the name out though to protect the people and company I work for. But if you guess it on your own, bravo.

Last month, I hit my one year anniversary for working with the company. In a few short months, I'll hit my one year anniversary on becoming a GM. It's hard to believe so much has happened in a year. 

It's been a whirlwind from the get go. It hasn't slowed down much. Each day brings new challenges, headaches, victories, and laughter. Even on my worst days, I still love what I do. I want to keep doing what I'm doing. I love the environment. I love almost every single customer that walks into my store. I love laughing with the kids that work for me. 

I couldn't find that anywhere else. 

Don't get me wrong. I have bad days. I have straight outta hell days. Nothing is going right, I've worked 50 hours in a week, customers are out for blood, and I forgot 15 different things I was supposed to do so I'm getting scolded by my bosses. 

On those days, I have three glasses of wine. (And I've been drinking a lot of wine lately...)

But even though I feel overworked, and overwhelmed, I sit here and still love what I do and who I do it with. I'm still staying focused on why I fell in love with this place and my job in the first place. I still get excited to see my customers and my employees. I still enjoy talking about my trip to Jersey. I still love just chit chatting with my bosses. 

So, while my feet are killing me, and I'm already exhausted from this week and it's Monday, I still can't imagine doing anything else right now. 

​Yay me!

In case you were wondering if my depression  or anxiety has gone away through any of this crazy madness, I can confidently tell you...

Hell to the fucking no. 

It's been interesting to watch unravel and uncoil itself. It's been weird over the past few months. Things have been so all over the place that I find it interesting that I'm not more beside myself. Or at least still curled up in a ball somewhere. 

But I'm flourishing. I'm growing through my mental illnesses rather than be squashed by them. It's funny, over the past couple days, I've started falling apart again. I've started cracking from all the stress in my life (both personal and at work). I've started falling into the much too familiar hole that tries to suck my soul dry. 

And that's okay. Shit happens. And it's hard, and dirty, and grimy, and just the worst. My brain wanders in the dark shadows and finds the monsters lurking. They all get together and run rampant through the light, tainting it, trying to destroy it. And it's a mess. 

But I'm learning to not hide it. I let it out. When I'm feeling that way, I tell those who are close to me. I give them warning, I give them that head's up. I want them to know that I'm a little more unpredictable than normal. I've been called dangerous and volatile on normal days, if you needed a comparison. 

When I first was diagnosed with depression, I was devastated. Now that I'm older, and in some ways wiser, I've learned that I can't change the fact that I have mental illnesses. Without them, would I still be me? Would I still be the mother, girlfriend, manager, or person that I am right now? I'm not perfect, no where close, but I like to think that everyday I become a better person. 

And some of that has to do with having depression and anxiety. I've learned so much about myself from actually HAVING mental illnesses. I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can overcome. I know what I can survive. I might not do it gracefully all the time, but I stumble my way through. 

We've all heard that stupid cliche, "You can't have a rainbow without rain." 

That's dumb. I'm sorry. I read that as, you have to look for something beautiful in the misery. You have to find gold in the shit. And, fact: there's not always a rainbow when it rains. That's science right there. 

But, let me twist that just a little bit. 

Darkness abounds, but only in the light. Fact: You can't have shadows without some sort of light. You can't have dark spaces without a light sources casting them. Sure, you could argue the point that darkness is the absence of light. But this is my blog so go argue that point on yours. And even then, how do you know what darkness is if you've never seen light?

I'm sitting in a dark spot. I'm struggling to crawl out of the shadows. But I know, even if I can't always see it, that there's light somewhere out there. There's a source that's casting that shadow I'm stuck in. One of two things will happen.

One: I'll crawl my way back into the sunlight.

Two: The sun will move across the sky and move the shadow for me. 

Either way, I know that the only reason that I'm in the dark at the moment is because of all the light I've found... 

So, now you all know about the separation. It's out in the world and can't be taken back. Now, don't mistake this as the only reason that caused us to split. This is just one of the reasons. Since I'm the only involved in this particular reason, it's why I'm sharing it. I also want to bring into light some lifestyles and "taboo" ideals. I'm not ashamed. 

At least not any more...

Since I was little, I've never seen myself with one person. I've never been content with the idea of just one person for eternity. It scared me, intimidated me, and made me sad. I didn't want to miss out on life. And what if I got it wrong? What if I ended up with one person, and my "one" came along? How could I be certain I was with the person I was meant to be with?

Well, there was no way to be sure. Some people talk about a feeling you get. You just know. Whatever... That was not something I was confident in. 

When I started college, that's when things got interesting. I was dating multiple guys constantly. At the time, I was doing it in a very messed up way. Short version: I was a cheater. I was never completely happy in any given relationship. I always wanted more, or different, or something. At one point, when I was 19, I was seeing four guys at once, and they had no idea about the others. (Well, one kinda figured, but never confirmed or said anything at the time.) They all made me happy in their own way. I never dated two of the same guys. They all were different, none of them had many of the same interests.

And I loved it. 

It wasn't until after Kyle and I were married, as I went back to therapy, that my therapist told me this was a thing. It's not that I'm a bad person. It's that I'm wired that way. And there was nothing wrong with that. 

I'm polyamorous. 

I know that after reading that, some, maybe even all of you are going to jump ship on me. And I understand that. I respect that. But I'm me. I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not anymore. I have needs and wants in my life that not one person can fill. And I don't want to put that kind of pressure on another person. I don't want someone to feel like they have to be my everything, cause lord knows I can't do that for another person. 

When Kyle and I split, I moved in with my boyfriend. He and I have been dating since before Kyle and I split. We just moved into an apartment together a few weeks ago actually. It's been amazing. 

Part of the reason that this relationship is working as well as it is is for two reasons. One, we are both polyamorous. We both want to have the ability to explore other relationships. And we are confident enough in ourselves to know that the other will always come home to us. I have no doubt in my mind that no matter who else my boyfriend starts dating, he will always come home to me. I am his home. 

Does that mean Kyle and I didn't have that? No. Absolutely not. But he's not poly. He's monogamous. Sharing me was too hard for him. He tried though. That wonderful man tried. But it didn't work. And I couldn't hide that part of myself anymore. 

So I'm not. 

The second reason that the relationship with my boyfriend is working so well and is so strong is because we are part of the BDSM community. He has the title of my Master, and I am his Slave. But our relationship wasn't always that way. It morphed into that. 

Without going into too much detail (cause even with the warning, there are some things that I just don't need to share with you), I need very specific things in my life. I need to be dominated and controlled to function. My boyfriend is able to do that for me. Is it a 24/7 gig? No. That's not something we feel we need right now. But you can be sure as shit that I cook him dinner, I clean our home, I constantly ask if he needs anything, and you can sometimes find me sitting as his feet. It's a 50's household to an extent, and I'm happy it's that way. The BDSM aspect is just an extension of that. 

In the past couple of weeks, I've also started seeing another guy. He's poly as well. He and I share similar interests, dancing being one of the big ones. My boyfriend doesn't dance, so that's just one of the many aspects that he doesn't have to fill. Someone else who genuinely enjoys that can. Both of them have met, and get along amazingly. I'm able to go out to the club, have both of them there, and it not be weird. I can dance with one, while the other is content to watch how happy I am dancing. I can get my boyfriend a drink, while the other one admires how I dote on him. 

Does any of this make anyone involved more or less of a person? Does it make us horrible people? Does it makes us better people?

No. It makes us people. Being poly and into BDSM doesn't make me a better or worse woman, mother, girlfriend, daughter, human being. It makes me just that. A woman, mother, girlfriend, daughter, and a HUMAN BEING. 

I will never shame someone for being monogamous. It's something that I tried, and I wasn't happy. It just doesn't work for me. I need to be able to explore whatever feelings I have for another person. I don't want to be kept in a box on the shelf. 

And no, I'm not using polyamory to get away with sleeping around. I don't sleep around. I get to know the other person before anything else happens. I'm not a slut or a whore. I'm still very careful about who I start relationships with, just as if I were single and monogamous. So don't even go there. 

So here I stand. A mother of two kids, with a full-time job, dealing with depression and anxiety, who loves this crazy thing called polyamory. It's what works for me. Does it work for everyone? No. Should it? Absolutely not. 

Do what makes you happy. Follow your heart. If it leads you to just one, go for it. Enjoy it. Embrace it. If your heart leads you to several, got for it. Enjoy it. Embrace it. 

Just don't be afraid to be the real you...

 and All the love in the world can not change the fact that two people were not meant for each other. 

There. I said it. 

That could be the end of this post. Short and sweet. Straight to the point. 

But it's never that easy, is it?

It's hard spending so many years with someone, and realizing it's at an end. It's hard moving on from the life you've built and worked so hard to achieve. A lot of time and effort goes into making things work. But sometimes, nothing you do can change the fact that two pieces just don't go together the way you hoped they would. 

I should never have gotten married. I felt pressured and I felt like that's what everyone I knew expected me to do, especially after getting pregnant with Chase. I felt like I would disappoint everyone I knew if I DIDN'T get married and settle down. Because I got married under that impression, I doomed it from the start. 

This in no way means I didn't love my husband. I still do. Deeply. But we are not compatible as a couple, there's nothing wrong with that. Kyle is still one of my best friends, and that will never change. I'm glad that he's still in my life, and not just as the father of my children.

Kyle and I worked for years to make our relationship work, but it didn't work. We finally decided that we needed to split. We wanted to be able to still do things as a family and be happy about it. I didn't want to be like other divorced couples we know that can't stand to be in the same room together. We wanted more for our kids. 

We are just two different to be together as a husband and wife. He and I want different things in our lives, need different things to be happy, and have different "picket fence" dreams in our head. I still want the best for him, and he still wants the best for me. 

It sucks. Don't get me wrong. We both still hurt and are still grieving over this loss. But, I know it's for the best. Doing this is something that we both needed to do. I needed to do this to not only be a better person for myself, but for my kids. This is what we needed to do to actually save our family. 

Life is a roller coaster. People come in and out of our lives, teach us things about ourselves and the world around us. Kyle taught me so many things, and I'll never be able to thank him enough for that. But, it was time. Luckily, he will still always have my back, and I'll have his. You by no means heard the last about Kyle. 

Thanks in advance for all the love and support from you guys. I appreciate it. But this is an amazing thing for us in the long run. You guys are amazing and I'm so glad to finally be back to continue my journey as a Maniac Mom. 

My how the time has flown. I haven't written in four months, but it feels like longer. Life got in the way, speed bumps slowed me down, my world got flipped.

Summarized version - My husband and I split up.

I took a step away from the blog completely to focus on my marriage and some of the issues there. In the end, we decided that splitting up was the best decision for everyone. Kyle, the kids, and myself. 

So... here's where we go from here everyone. 

Enough time has passed that I'm going to be able to get back into blogging. I'm going to start writing again and spending some time with you wonderful readers. 

What can you expect?

When One Becomes Two - A Look Into My Separation
The Real Me - This will be a more adult post, but something I need to write about
Darkness Abounds, But Only In The Light - How my depression and anxiety are doing through all this
Kids Are Brilliant, Which Sucks - A peek into how my toddlers are outsmarting me
Living the Jersey Life - Oh yeah, I still work too!

I'm excited to get back into the swing of things. I'm happy to be writing again. I'm happy to feel like me again.

​I've missed you guys! *big hugs*