Then we all have to grow up. Some things get better and more fun. Some things get darker and evil. There's always a trade off. Good for some bad. Bad for some good. It's an unfair part of life, but a part none-the-less.
I traded tutus and tiaras for medications for mental illness.
There are days that I can't help but wonder where I would be in life without my mental illness. What if I never became depressed in college? What if I never tried to kill myself? What if...?
I sit there and imagine finishing college, being a journalist, or author, or photographer. I imagine my own apartment, decorated however I want. I imagine never waking up and hating myself. I imagine having a social life. I imagine...
But you know what wouldn't be there? My husband, my kids, my dogs, my life! My depression eats me from the inside out some days. There are still days where just opening my eyes is one of the hardest things I do all day. There are moments that I want to run away from everything.
Have you ever sat in a super dark room for a long time? After sitting there, did you notice how it's easier to see the little spots of light?
That's what depression is like. You stumble around, trying to feel you're way around that dark room. You trip, you fall, you cry, you just lay still. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you see the light. That little speck of light. And you slowly, achingly, drag yourself towards it. But at least you're moving.
It's hard thinking about all the things I've missed in my life. It's hard sitting in that dark room by myself sometimes. But I have to remind myself of all the things I wouldn't have if things were different. And though I'm still struggling and trying to find my way, I've found that light.