I took a new job. Since my location is still under construction, I have to do my management training out of state. So, two weeks ago, I jumped on a plane and flew to Omaha, NE. My first trip out was two weeks long, but I'll be in and out of the state for two months to complete all my training.
It doesn't help that two days before I flew out, my fiance and I found out that we would need to move by the end of August. I hadn't been working in two months, so that was easier said than done. He's had to take on the responsibility of finding us a home, getting the house packed, plus working on his own. Literally.
I can tell you now, it hasn't been easy. It's been almost unbearable.
Some changes in my life I can handle. New jobs, new schedules, diets, friends come and go, etc. But so many BIG changes in my life has sent me for a loop in general. And having to try to handle that on my own hasn't been going as well as I would like.
When I'm stressed or having a bad mental health day, or when both of those fall on the same day (which is constant now), I need to have my family and friends surround me. I need extra snuggles, people to help distract me, lots of dancing, my kids around me, and Mo, my trusty moose.
I have Mo.
My fiance would try to tell you that I'm doing better than most. I'm handling it as best as I can. He would say he still loves me, would never leave, and while he's stressed out too, he will always be there for me to lean on.
My response? He still wants to sleep with me on a regular basis, so he has to say that.
I don't think I'm handling it well at all. Just a couple days ago, I had a HUGE breakdown. I was hyperventilating, screaming through tears, wasn't making sense, and was just plain mean at times. I've spent some days thinking I've made the wrong decision and wanted to quit this new job just so I could go home to be in my comfort zone. I've caused more stress than I have been able to help relieve some of it.
I've also noticed an increase in some of my symptoms of my Borderline. I'm having more out of body experiences or detachment, my mood swings are stronger (mostly towards the negative), anxiety and depression is through the roof (I've spent two entire days in bed since I got here).
Apparently, I still need more work.
I will say this. Today is the first day I feel like myself since getting to Nebraska. I haven't felt overwhelmed or out of control. I slept really well and feel like I've got at least a mild handle on what's happening. I feel like I've still made a good choice to work where I do, with the company that I do. I can't say enough good things about them, and I've only worked with them for two weeks.
I am so ready to be home though. I'm ready to be back in my fiance's arms, be with my kids, sleep in my own bed, maybe even get some dancing with my favorite dancer ever (it's my fiance). I'm ready to close up this long stretch of time away from home. I'm ready for a reset on my brain.
I know it will get easier as time goes on. I'll get used to handling things on my own. I'll learn to be my own comfort while I'm so far away from home. I have to come a few more times, but luckily, for only a week or two at a time.
And I'm looking forward to coming home to my fiance and my home. It'll be our first place together. I'm looking forward to decorating our place together, buying a bunk bed for my kids together, building another part of our life together. It's going to be amazing. That's what I have to stay focused on. That's where my light at the end of the tunnel is.
That's where I will be happy.