And then there are times that you learn something about yourself.
I am a doormat.
Ouchie. That hurt. But it's so true it's sickening.
Here's the real killer though. This isn't new information to me.
I've known for a while now that I am a doormat. But I've been calling it by different names. I've been blaming it on other traits, qualities, and circumstances. I've called it loyalty or mothering. I've called it love and compassion. I've blamed it on bad situations and my own inadequacies. But it's really one thing.
It's been hard coming to terms with that. Due to my childhood, it's hard for me to watch anyone I care about (even in the slightest way) to go through a bad situation. It's my nature to take care of them in any way I can. And ALWAYS to my own destruction in some capacity. I know what it's like to hurt, and I refuse to watch anyone else go through that.
But that's not where I'm a doormat.
I turn into one because I continue to cater to them long after it's necessary. I'm always "on-call," ready to jump into action and do whatever needs to be done. I drive to everyone. I pay for lots of dinners, drinks, and outings in general. I help with housework, organization, filling out applications or other paperwork. I listen constantly and give advice where I can.
I am the person everyone leans on.
But I never ask for anything back. I'm afraid to most of the time. I've spent most of my life being rejected, mistreated, and cast aside the instant I become invaluable to them. As soon as I stop catering to them, I get dropped on my ass and it's NEVER a short fall.
So what's the solution?
Well, I'll have to get back to you on that. But I wanted to share this with all of you because it's easy to fall into this trap. I think those of us that have experienced rejection, pain, or other trauma are more susceptible to becoming doormats for others. It's something to look out for.
As I continue on this journey, I'll be sure to share what I learn with all of you. But until then, be aware of the people you are around and what they do for you. It has to be a two way street. Not a door with a mat.