Dear 2016 - 

We haven't even made it a full week into the year, so we don't know each other very well. We are still getting to know each other. It's scary, exciting, and overwhelming for both of us for sure.

While I know we are both busy with a million other things, I wanted to write to you to promise a few things to both of us. And there may be a request or two in there for you. 
​

I'm still going to have bad days and moments where I want to just give up on life. I'm still going to struggle with absolutely everything. But I promise I won't back track. I promise I won't slip back down to where I was. I'll keep moving forward no matter what.
​

I've spent a lot of the past year focusing on my job and my family. I've sacrificed a lot for both. I've lost a bit of the balance I had when I first started working again. And I know that happens. I'm not looking for perfection. But I know I've lost sight of myself. I've forgotten to focus on me as well as everything else. Whether that means going to the gym alone, spending more time with my girlfriends, getting back into blogging, or whatever, I promise I'll try to focus on me some more. 
​

I've kept a lot of things to myself from my family and friends. I've shut myself off from people again over the past few months as I've been struggling with more than my normal amount of crap. I've slid back into myself in an effort to spare myself pain and to keep those around me safe. But I know I need to open up again and let people in. I need to start speaking up more and not worry about what others will say or think. Those who really care about me won't care either way.
​

With those things in mind, can you do me a couple favors? 

Because 2015 was rough on me. Lots happened. More is happening already. I'm still feeling the backlash from 2015. Let's ease into this together. Please don't beat me over the head with a brick any earlier than June. Let's be nice to each other.
​

I have two kids, as you know. And damnit, they are growing up too fast. Skylar turns two next month. Are you for real?! Can we please try to slow down just an extra micro-second? That would help out more than you know. I need that extra hug. I need that extra kiss. I need that extra time. I've missed too much already. No more please. 

Can we just agree to the fact that we will just be too awesome for everyone to handle this year? If we both hold up our end of this agreement, we shall be unstoppable. We shall be amazeballs. We shall be bad-asses.



Thanks in advance for an awesome year... unless it's not. Then I will gladly kick you're uncooperative butt right out the door in December. I'll love all over 2017 while you watch through a window while it rains on you. I'll hurt you so bad you wish I didn't hurt you so bad. 


Just sayin...


Love Always,

​Me.

Nineteen months ago, my life changed. I had my beautiful daughter. I had waited months and months for her to come into the world. I thought my world was complete. 

What I didn't know was that it was actually about to shatter.

After you have kids, doctors, nurses, friends, and family will mention PPD (post-partum depression). They will hit a series of bullet points to keep an eye out for. That's it. That's the extent of the warning. 

But there's something much more dangerous lurking in the shadows. 

Part of my story hasn't been told yet. Part of my journey I've been keeping to myself. It was one of the hardest situations and times in my life. I still have anxiety over just the memory of what happened to me. But that's just another reason for me to finally put it out there into the world. 

This kid drives me nuts. He's absolutely going to be the death of me. He wakes me up in the middle of the night. He hits me. He back talks. He screams. He's messy. He's just a tornado of disaster. 

And I can't figure out where the time went. 

I can't figure out where all those kisses, hugs, giggles, smiles, and snuggles went. I keep trying to grasp onto the days, but they are speeding by like NASCAR drivers. I am continuously trying to steal extra moments to savor, but the are always running away. 

How is it that when you try to memorize a moment, another creeps up too soon?

Chase turns 3 tomorrow. THREE?! How the hell did that happen? It just doesn't seem right. It's not something I'm okay with. This isn't something I signed up for. 

This is one of the most awful things about being a parent. Watching the time speed by like a bullet, powerless to stop it. I'm always wishing for a pause button, or at the very least a "slow-the-hell-down" button. If anyone finds it, you be sure to let me know. 

June 26th, 2015 is a new day in history. It was on that day that the Supreme Court ruled that all 50 states must allow same sex couples to be married. When it was announced, the country blew apart. People stood on their sides and screamed, cheered, cursed, and threw glitter across the picket line. Five days later, it still hasn't calmed down. People are still being hateful, prideful, egotistical, and just plain bitches about the whole thing. 

You want to know about a few other days in history?

August 18, 1920 - Women earned the right to vote. This was a big day in our country. Women had spent their whole lives being told they didn't deserve the same respect as men. We were to bow down to the will of men and do as we are told. We weren't allowed to take our own lives in our own hands. We began breaking down that wall in 1920 when women earned the right to have a say in what happens to them. The road to that victory was not an easy one. Women were arrested for their beliefs. They were beaten and a few even killed. When that right was being fought for, and eventually won, it was appalling to people. It was still taboo even after the victory. But now? It's an everyday occurrence. No one thinks twice about it.

January 31, 1865 - Slavery is abolished. Need I say more on that one?

April 10, 1968 - The Civil Rights Act of 1968 prohibited discrimination concerning the sale, rental, and financing of housing based on race, religion, national origin. It also made it a federal crime to "by force or by threat of force, injure, intimidate, or interfere with anyone … by reason of their race, color, religion, or national origin." Now THIS seems familiar, doesn't it? Churches telling congregations to avoid african americans like the plague. Parts of the government telling their citizens to ban african americans from everything. Parents teaching their children to hate someone because they are different. There are assassinations, beatings, tortures, kidnappings, destruction of property, and more terror than we like to remember. African Americans on one side, white people on the other. And those white people that supported African Americans? They were treated with the same disgust and hate. Why support someone who is different than you? Why would you uphold such a crazy belief that we are all people? But where is all that hate now? I don't see states, governments, or churches banning African Americans from their equal rights. 

Since the beginning, America has been fighting a never ending battle. There will always be someone feeling like they aren't being treated equally. Are we going to be able to help every single person. Of course not. That's unrealistic. But why are we so resistant to change?

If you are religious, it makes more sense in my mind to fill your churches with the sinners, the people that need the saving. You want to "save" someone from the homosexuality? You're going to have better luck with them in church. You don't ban someone from the hospital with a broken leg do you? 

If you are religious, where does it say that you are going straight to hell without so much as a "see you later" in the bible? Where does it say that if you are gay or lesbian or transgender that there is no chance that God will forgive you? Where does it say that anyone who is different from you is going to burn in hell while you watch and eat popcorn? Hint: IT DOESN'T. 

And let's say, for argument's sake, that it did. Where does the bible say that YOU are going to hell if you don't cram your beliefs down someone's throat? I hear the comeback for this constantly - "But homoesexuals are craming their beliefs down my throat by forcing me to accept them."

No. No they aren't. They are asking for the same rights that you have. They are asking for the same right African Americans have. They are asking for the same rights that women have. They are asking to be treated like people.

Would you deny yourself the right to marry who you love? Would you kick yourself out of your home because you are different? Would you allow someone to beat you within an inch of your life because you aren't the right gender to vote? Would you allow someone to set you on fire because your skin is a different color? No. Interesting concept, right?

Here's where I stand on the whole debate. 

I support same-sex marriages. I have friends and family member that are homosexual. I love them. And I want them to be able to marry whoever they damn well please. I'm not about to judge or tell them they can't do something because I believe something different. I'm not about to play God and make that decision for someone else. Because you know what? My hands aren't clean. If yours are, please, pick up a stone and start throwing. But I'll be damned if I don't call you a liar first. 

Thank you for being the amazing men that you are and were. This world would stop spinning without you here to hold it together. Women like to say we keep the world spinning (it might have something to do with that whole child-birth thing, but whatev's). But I would like to let you in on a secret. 

You dudes, you dads, play a HUGE part in the spinning world. Who teaches our sons to care about women, learn to fish, fix a flat tire (because Lord knows I don't want to), and be strong for those you care about? Who teaches our daughters to expect nothing than the best from their significant others, to play softball, cook a mean steak to make her husband (assuming you let her date before she's 30), and that she will never be alone in the world?

Give you one guess....

You do! Dads do. Fathers are their sons hero and their daughters Prince Charming. You are your wives King (just don't forget to take out the trash before you sit on your throne in front of the TV). You are more important than you think. You are more important than you could ever realize. 

Because let's face it. Without you, there would be no us. 

Just don't let it go to your head. 

Parents switching roles can be tricky business. It's no small feat, and when you have two kids under three, you have to be delicate. But more than that, you in a way have to reconfigure the whole construction of the family. 

Kyle and I have been working hard at this for just over two months now. Getting the kids used to the idea that mommy wouldn't be home all the time anymore was actually the easy part. Kyle and I both thought it would take at least a week before the kids leveled out. But they both surprised us and didn't really seem to notice. They still got to eat pizza and play outside. They're good.

What Kyle and I have been struggling with, is the change of roles between the two of us. Finding that happy balance where we are both getting what we want and need is turning out to the surprisingly messy. We are having to learn to compromise on a lot of big things. 

I work six days a week. Most days when I get home, I'm super ecstatic to see my kids and Kyle. I love hanging out with them in the backyard for a few hours. Kyle wants me to go have some alone time. He doesn't want me to have to deal with the kids after working all day. I love that. I love that he wants to take care of me. But just because I work outside the home now doesn't mean I'm not a mom still and have to "deal" with screaming children. It happens to the best of us. And he had to do the same thing when he was working.

Now that he's a stay-at-home dad, I don't feel like he's getting as many breaks or as good of breaks as I did when I was a stay-at-home mom. He's with the kids for much longer than I ever was on a more consistent basis. I'm glad that he's able to do that (I'm actually crazy jealous about that). But nap-time doesn't count as a good break. That's a necessary one. And in my mind, going on a date with me isn't the same either. Everyone needs alone time to recombobulate. 

We are slowly but surely stumbling our way through this transition phase. Everyday gets a little bit better and a little easier to wade through. I know we are getting there. But I'm a super impatient person. Actually, Kyle and I both are (which explains why Chase can't wait for me to finish peeing before he starts demanding juice). So this period of crazy limbo is frustrating to both of us. 

One thing that this has helped without a doubt is our ability to communicate. I've always been able to communicate. Whether or not is was done well or with grace is totally up for debate (and I'm sure some of my family would happily yell NOPE! for you if you ask). But all of this is forcing us to learn to communicate better with each other. Seriously ladies, this man is willingly TALKING to me! Crazy!

Everyday I'm thankful that I'm going through all of this with Kyle. He hates parts of this journey because it's unfamiliar territory (emotions, feelings, screaming children, etc.) and it can be really daunting. I'm feeling pretty small too. Lots of things are going on at work constantly and I'm still trying to learn everything. Throw in still trying to figure out this whole wife and mother shindig and you've got one confused chicka (and yet another reason I am so thrilled to have my meds). 

It's going to keep getting better. Kyle, the kids, and I will at some point figure all this out. Our family will at some point level all out. But in the meantime, who doesn't love a good see-saw?

By now, we have all heard the news about Josh Duggar and his family. Everyone has had a meltdown, gone in an uproar, or stood behind Josh and his family. Everyone has had time to pick which side of the fence they stand on. 

Me? Well, I've never been one to pick just one side of the fence. I'm more of a pot stirrer in all honesty. Most of you know that by now. If you're new here and this is the first post you are reading, I'm sorry not sorry.

First, a short recap:
Josh Duggar recently stepped down from his position at Family Research Council in Washington, D.C. after reports of his molesting young girls as a teenager became public. There are about five victims, and it has been brought to light that some of the victims were his own sisters. He was 14 at the time of the molestations. He confessed to his parents, who did not go to the police, but instead sent him to a "treatment facility" where he was never actually enrolled in a treatment plan. He only received counseling and says that "he asked Christ into his life." Let it be known that the "treatment facility" was a family friend in Little Rock who owned a remodeling business. Josh worked there for a few months before returning home.

My opinion on the whole crazy thing:
First, this is one of those times where I hate our Judicial system. The statute of limitations is stupid, especially when it involves crimes against children. Josh Duggar and his family have repeatedly said that Josh made a mistake. A mistake? Um. No. You committed a crime against a child and no amount of counseling will ever make up for what you did to those children. And his parents are co-conspirators at this point. They did not immediately call the police and file a report. They did not go to the victims and find out if they wanted to press charges. They did not try to get help for anyone involved. I understand that he is your son and you don't want that scar on him, but when it comes to a crime against a child, you suck it up and do what's right for the victims. Not your precious first born son. 

Second, what about the girls? What's their say in all of this? I don't need or even want the names of the victims, but what is their opinion in all of this? Do they believe this was handled well or are they going to have PTSD in the coming years? Are they going to tell their future husbands that they were molested? Are they going to tell their husbands that their own brother took away their innocence? Or is it going to get covered up again and shoved back in the closet? These girls need to deal with what has happened to them. Not keep their mouths shut because their parents claim "that's what's best for our family." No. No. And a lot more no. What's best for the family at this point is to get the victims into counseling and Josh Duggar needs to be charged with child molestation. 

Here's where things get really upsetting for me. The straight up disgusting amount of hypocrisy. It's sickening. It truly is. And it's coming from everywhere. 

• His parents - Are you freakin' kidding me? They claim the same sex marriage is damaging to children but their own son is guilty of molesting children? Really? Please excuse me while I go throw up. That's the biggest load of bull I've ever heard. Talk about calling the kettle black you big old pot!
• The officer that was involved - Right now he is sitting in prison for child pornagraphy. The irony is just astounding. But here is where is gets fun. A new report came out a couple days ago with the officer claiming that Jim Bob said there was only one victim, not five when he asked the officer to have a "talk" with Josh. The officer claims that had he known there was more than one victim, he would have immediately filed a report because molestation is a crime. Ummm... what are you in jail for again? Cause I'm pretty sure you're in there for something similar. You may have never physically touched a child, but you two should be roommates. Josh can fondle you in your sleep and he can lay on the bed naked and crying while you watch. Sound fair?
• Everyone that is so eager to tear Josh Duggar down - It's shocking how many people are already locked and loaded to take the Duggar's down. they finally have a smoking gun to get a highly conservative and Christian family off the air. So many people are crazy excited to finally have some proof that the Duggars aren't what they seem to be. Well duh! No one is. Everyone on the planet has done something they are not proud of. Everyone has a dirty little secret. Everyone has a skeleton in the closet. Does that mean they get a free pass? Of course not. Action needs to be taken. But that doesn't mean they need to be burned at the stake. 

It's amazing how quickly the world can unravel over the strangest things. It's amazing the lengths people will go to to protect their family and friends. And it's amazing what some people think is okay.

Should legal action be taken? Yes. But unfortunately, that's not how our system works. There's one of the many flaws in the system. Should they be receiving the public wrath? Yes and no. Yes because they put themselves in the public eye. They chose this life. No because it's free publicity at this point. TLC has pulled them from the lineup. We don't need to give them any more airtime. 

All in all, it's a messed up situation that's being dealt with like crap. There's no way around that. But, while I have my own opinions about what should happen to those involved, I know it won't. So I'm not going to waste any more time on it. It's not worth my time to keep putting Josh Duggar in the spotlight or to keep dragging up painful memories for the victims. If they say they have forgiven Josh, cool beans. I will still just quietly hope that he gets thrown into prison so the prisoner can give him a taste of his own medicine. 

I was teased when I was in elementary school. Relentlessly. It was horrible. From 1st grade through 7th grade I was picked on pretty consistently. It wasn't until my Junior year of high school that I really overcame it. 

I was picked on for everything from my clothes, to the way I talked, to not knowing what curse words meant. I spent a lot of time crying not only at home but in school because of the torment. 

I got picked on a lot because I reacted. I gave them the reaction they were looking for every. single. time. So they kept doing it. 

And why did I always give into the tears that they so desperately wanted from me?

Because I couldn't laugh at myself.

I still have a tender heart and judge myself harshly by what others say and think of me. But I'm much better about being able to laugh a lot of it off. It's quite liberating. 

Which is why I laugh at my kids. 

When they smack themselves in the face with something, I make sure they are okay while I giggle. When they do something weird, I laugh. I never laugh when they are sad or upset. That does nothing except hurt them more. 

What I'm trying to do is to teach them that it's okay to laugh at yourself. It's okay to make a dumb move and giggle it off. You can make fun of yourself and some of the mistakes you make. It's allowed. 

It's something I wish I had learned much earlier in my life. It would have saved me quite a bit of time. I would have enjoyed my childhood and teen years that much more. But instead I was self-conscious and always worried about someone making fun of me.

Now I beat them to the punchline. And I hope my kids pick up on that. It's okay to be a punchline as long as you can laugh about it too. The more you get angry or cry, the more they will do it. If you can laugh about it as much as the others can, you'll be much happier in life. 

And life will be a lot funnier. 

Woo Hoo! I've made it a month at work! No one is dead, I haven't curled up in the fetal position, and I only cried once. I call that a success.

With every day that passes, it gets easier and easier to go to work. I still miss my family like crazy. I don't think that will ever go away. But the homecoming every night is the bestest thing ever. I mean seriously. The squeals and hugs are just amaze-balls.

But, in it's normal glory, life has dumped another bucket o' fun on me.

Last Tuesday, as I was getting ready to head home from work, one of my bosses showed up. We talked for a bit. She was filling me in on what was happening at my store so I wasn't walking in blind. Then she blind-sided me. 

"The owner wants you to feel comfortable when you take over the store. We'll have to do a mass hiring and find you an assistant manager."

Um... say what now?

I thought I was the Assistant Manager... I.. uh... run that by me one more time.

"He didn't tell you? Yeah. He wants you to be the general manager of that store. We are hoping in a month or so actually."

Ho-Ly Crap.

I haven't even made it a full month and they are wanting me to manage the highest ranking store in sales (two years running). And my store would be a training store for other crew members and some management. 

Why yes. I do believe I shall have a small inner panic attack now. Thank you.

So yeah. That happened. And as of right now, that's what we are working towards. If all goes well, in a month I will take over the store in a month, begin a massive hiring, and pick my assistant manager out. 

Call it crazy. Cause I sure as hell am. 

I'm crazy excited, stupid nervous, pretty stressed out, and probably still in shock. 

But sure. I can bound up that corporate ladder in a single leap apparently. And without my knowledge. Go me.