So, now you all know about the separation. It's out in the world and can't be taken back. Now, don't mistake this as the only reason that caused us to split. This is just one of the reasons. Since I'm the only involved in this particular reason, it's why I'm sharing it. I also want to bring into light some lifestyles and "taboo" ideals. I'm not ashamed. 

At least not any more...

Since I was little, I've never seen myself with one person. I've never been content with the idea of just one person for eternity. It scared me, intimidated me, and made me sad. I didn't want to miss out on life. And what if I got it wrong? What if I ended up with one person, and my "one" came along? How could I be certain I was with the person I was meant to be with?

Well, there was no way to be sure. Some people talk about a feeling you get. You just know. Whatever... That was not something I was confident in. 

When I started college, that's when things got interesting. I was dating multiple guys constantly. At the time, I was doing it in a very messed up way. Short version: I was a cheater. I was never completely happy in any given relationship. I always wanted more, or different, or something. At one point, when I was 19, I was seeing four guys at once, and they had no idea about the others. (Well, one kinda figured, but never confirmed or said anything at the time.) They all made me happy in their own way. I never dated two of the same guys. They all were different, none of them had many of the same interests.

And I loved it. 

It wasn't until after Kyle and I were married, as I went back to therapy, that my therapist told me this was a thing. It's not that I'm a bad person. It's that I'm wired that way. And there was nothing wrong with that. 

I'm polyamorous. 

I know that after reading that, some, maybe even all of you are going to jump ship on me. And I understand that. I respect that. But I'm me. I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not anymore. I have needs and wants in my life that not one person can fill. And I don't want to put that kind of pressure on another person. I don't want someone to feel like they have to be my everything, cause lord knows I can't do that for another person. 

When Kyle and I split, I moved in with my boyfriend. He and I have been dating since before Kyle and I split. We just moved into an apartment together a few weeks ago actually. It's been amazing. 

Part of the reason that this relationship is working as well as it is is for two reasons. One, we are both polyamorous. We both want to have the ability to explore other relationships. And we are confident enough in ourselves to know that the other will always come home to us. I have no doubt in my mind that no matter who else my boyfriend starts dating, he will always come home to me. I am his home. 

Does that mean Kyle and I didn't have that? No. Absolutely not. But he's not poly. He's monogamous. Sharing me was too hard for him. He tried though. That wonderful man tried. But it didn't work. And I couldn't hide that part of myself anymore. 

So I'm not. 

The second reason that the relationship with my boyfriend is working so well and is so strong is because we are part of the BDSM community. He has the title of my Master, and I am his Slave. But our relationship wasn't always that way. It morphed into that. 

Without going into too much detail (cause even with the warning, there are some things that I just don't need to share with you), I need very specific things in my life. I need to be dominated and controlled to function. My boyfriend is able to do that for me. Is it a 24/7 gig? No. That's not something we feel we need right now. But you can be sure as shit that I cook him dinner, I clean our home, I constantly ask if he needs anything, and you can sometimes find me sitting as his feet. It's a 50's household to an extent, and I'm happy it's that way. The BDSM aspect is just an extension of that. 

In the past couple of weeks, I've also started seeing another guy. He's poly as well. He and I share similar interests, dancing being one of the big ones. My boyfriend doesn't dance, so that's just one of the many aspects that he doesn't have to fill. Someone else who genuinely enjoys that can. Both of them have met, and get along amazingly. I'm able to go out to the club, have both of them there, and it not be weird. I can dance with one, while the other is content to watch how happy I am dancing. I can get my boyfriend a drink, while the other one admires how I dote on him. 

Does any of this make anyone involved more or less of a person? Does it make us horrible people? Does it makes us better people?

No. It makes us people. Being poly and into BDSM doesn't make me a better or worse woman, mother, girlfriend, daughter, human being. It makes me just that. A woman, mother, girlfriend, daughter, and a HUMAN BEING. 

I will never shame someone for being monogamous. It's something that I tried, and I wasn't happy. It just doesn't work for me. I need to be able to explore whatever feelings I have for another person. I don't want to be kept in a box on the shelf. 

And no, I'm not using polyamory to get away with sleeping around. I don't sleep around. I get to know the other person before anything else happens. I'm not a slut or a whore. I'm still very careful about who I start relationships with, just as if I were single and monogamous. So don't even go there. 

So here I stand. A mother of two kids, with a full-time job, dealing with depression and anxiety, who loves this crazy thing called polyamory. It's what works for me. Does it work for everyone? No. Should it? Absolutely not. 

Do what makes you happy. Follow your heart. If it leads you to just one, go for it. Enjoy it. Embrace it. If your heart leads you to several, got for it. Enjoy it. Embrace it. 

Just don't be afraid to be the real you...

 and All the love in the world can not change the fact that two people were not meant for each other. 

There. I said it. 

That could be the end of this post. Short and sweet. Straight to the point. 

But it's never that easy, is it?

It's hard spending so many years with someone, and realizing it's at an end. It's hard moving on from the life you've built and worked so hard to achieve. A lot of time and effort goes into making things work. But sometimes, nothing you do can change the fact that two pieces just don't go together the way you hoped they would. 

I should never have gotten married. I felt pressured and I felt like that's what everyone I knew expected me to do, especially after getting pregnant with Chase. I felt like I would disappoint everyone I knew if I DIDN'T get married and settle down. Because I got married under that impression, I doomed it from the start. 

This in no way means I didn't love my husband. I still do. Deeply. But we are not compatible as a couple, there's nothing wrong with that. Kyle is still one of my best friends, and that will never change. I'm glad that he's still in my life, and not just as the father of my children.

Kyle and I worked for years to make our relationship work, but it didn't work. We finally decided that we needed to split. We wanted to be able to still do things as a family and be happy about it. I didn't want to be like other divorced couples we know that can't stand to be in the same room together. We wanted more for our kids. 

We are just two different to be together as a husband and wife. He and I want different things in our lives, need different things to be happy, and have different "picket fence" dreams in our head. I still want the best for him, and he still wants the best for me. 

It sucks. Don't get me wrong. We both still hurt and are still grieving over this loss. But, I know it's for the best. Doing this is something that we both needed to do. I needed to do this to not only be a better person for myself, but for my kids. This is what we needed to do to actually save our family. 

Life is a roller coaster. People come in and out of our lives, teach us things about ourselves and the world around us. Kyle taught me so many things, and I'll never be able to thank him enough for that. But, it was time. Luckily, he will still always have my back, and I'll have his. You by no means heard the last about Kyle. 

Thanks in advance for all the love and support from you guys. I appreciate it. But this is an amazing thing for us in the long run. You guys are amazing and I'm so glad to finally be back to continue my journey as a Maniac Mom. 

My how the time has flown. I haven't written in four months, but it feels like longer. Life got in the way, speed bumps slowed me down, my world got flipped.

Summarized version - My husband and I split up.

I took a step away from the blog completely to focus on my marriage and some of the issues there. In the end, we decided that splitting up was the best decision for everyone. Kyle, the kids, and myself. 

So... here's where we go from here everyone. 

Enough time has passed that I'm going to be able to get back into blogging. I'm going to start writing again and spending some time with you wonderful readers. 

What can you expect?

When One Becomes Two - A Look Into My Separation
The Real Me - This will be a more adult post, but something I need to write about
Darkness Abounds, But Only In The Light - How my depression and anxiety are doing through all this
Kids Are Brilliant, Which Sucks - A peek into how my toddlers are outsmarting me
Living the Jersey Life - Oh yeah, I still work too!

I'm excited to get back into the swing of things. I'm happy to be writing again. I'm happy to feel like me again.

​I've missed you guys! *big hugs*

Dear Mom at the Fro-Yo Shop - 

First of all, while I appreciate the thought to help, I didn't need it. I'm quite capable of getting my son to listen to me. It might not always be in the ten second time frame you think it should be, but he's three. It takes me 20 minutes to get his shoes on some days. 

Second, I think it's great that "you remember" when your kid was 3 and how hard it was. That's awesome. But, shouldn't you also remember when random strangers over stepped their boundaries when trying to "help" you? Cause obviously, that has slipped your mind.

Lastly...

Don't Touch My Child. Under no circumstances are you allowed to touch my child to reprimand him for whatever reason. You are not allowed to grab his hand. I don't care if he's getting ready to put poop into your mouth. You NEVER touch another person's child without the parent's consent (at least in some form). You are so lucky that you didn't get bitch slapped in a room full of people. Just sayin'.

In summary, you were out of line. I get that you were trying to help. But I had one free hand and a perfectly functioning mouth. You had no right to insert yourself into the situation. You may think you were being helpful, but you caused my child to feel embarrassed and myself to feel inadequate, which neither were needed. Next time you feel the need to "help" another mom parent their child, just step off. 

Sincerely, 

Kristen



Seriously though... so lucky you didn't get slapped.

Dear 2016 - 

We haven't even made it a full week into the year, so we don't know each other very well. We are still getting to know each other. It's scary, exciting, and overwhelming for both of us for sure.

While I know we are both busy with a million other things, I wanted to write to you to promise a few things to both of us. And there may be a request or two in there for you. 
​

I'm still going to have bad days and moments where I want to just give up on life. I'm still going to struggle with absolutely everything. But I promise I won't back track. I promise I won't slip back down to where I was. I'll keep moving forward no matter what.
​

I've spent a lot of the past year focusing on my job and my family. I've sacrificed a lot for both. I've lost a bit of the balance I had when I first started working again. And I know that happens. I'm not looking for perfection. But I know I've lost sight of myself. I've forgotten to focus on me as well as everything else. Whether that means going to the gym alone, spending more time with my girlfriends, getting back into blogging, or whatever, I promise I'll try to focus on me some more. 
​

I've kept a lot of things to myself from my family and friends. I've shut myself off from people again over the past few months as I've been struggling with more than my normal amount of crap. I've slid back into myself in an effort to spare myself pain and to keep those around me safe. But I know I need to open up again and let people in. I need to start speaking up more and not worry about what others will say or think. Those who really care about me won't care either way.
​

With those things in mind, can you do me a couple favors? 

Because 2015 was rough on me. Lots happened. More is happening already. I'm still feeling the backlash from 2015. Let's ease into this together. Please don't beat me over the head with a brick any earlier than June. Let's be nice to each other.
​

I have two kids, as you know. And damnit, they are growing up too fast. Skylar turns two next month. Are you for real?! Can we please try to slow down just an extra micro-second? That would help out more than you know. I need that extra hug. I need that extra kiss. I need that extra time. I've missed too much already. No more please. 

Can we just agree to the fact that we will just be too awesome for everyone to handle this year? If we both hold up our end of this agreement, we shall be unstoppable. We shall be amazeballs. We shall be bad-asses.



Thanks in advance for an awesome year... unless it's not. Then I will gladly kick you're uncooperative butt right out the door in December. I'll love all over 2017 while you watch through a window while it rains on you. I'll hurt you so bad you wish I didn't hurt you so bad. 


Just sayin...


Love Always,

​Me.

Nineteen months ago, my life changed. I had my beautiful daughter. I had waited months and months for her to come into the world. I thought my world was complete. 

What I didn't know was that it was actually about to shatter.

After you have kids, doctors, nurses, friends, and family will mention PPD (post-partum depression). They will hit a series of bullet points to keep an eye out for. That's it. That's the extent of the warning. 

But there's something much more dangerous lurking in the shadows. 

Part of my story hasn't been told yet. Part of my journey I've been keeping to myself. It was one of the hardest situations and times in my life. I still have anxiety over just the memory of what happened to me. But that's just another reason for me to finally put it out there into the world. 

This kid drives me nuts. He's absolutely going to be the death of me. He wakes me up in the middle of the night. He hits me. He back talks. He screams. He's messy. He's just a tornado of disaster. 

And I can't figure out where the time went. 

I can't figure out where all those kisses, hugs, giggles, smiles, and snuggles went. I keep trying to grasp onto the days, but they are speeding by like NASCAR drivers. I am continuously trying to steal extra moments to savor, but the are always running away. 

How is it that when you try to memorize a moment, another creeps up too soon?

Chase turns 3 tomorrow. THREE?! How the hell did that happen? It just doesn't seem right. It's not something I'm okay with. This isn't something I signed up for. 

This is one of the most awful things about being a parent. Watching the time speed by like a bullet, powerless to stop it. I'm always wishing for a pause button, or at the very least a "slow-the-hell-down" button. If anyone finds it, you be sure to let me know. 

June 26th, 2015 is a new day in history. It was on that day that the Supreme Court ruled that all 50 states must allow same sex couples to be married. When it was announced, the country blew apart. People stood on their sides and screamed, cheered, cursed, and threw glitter across the picket line. Five days later, it still hasn't calmed down. People are still being hateful, prideful, egotistical, and just plain bitches about the whole thing. 

You want to know about a few other days in history?

August 18, 1920 - Women earned the right to vote. This was a big day in our country. Women had spent their whole lives being told they didn't deserve the same respect as men. We were to bow down to the will of men and do as we are told. We weren't allowed to take our own lives in our own hands. We began breaking down that wall in 1920 when women earned the right to have a say in what happens to them. The road to that victory was not an easy one. Women were arrested for their beliefs. They were beaten and a few even killed. When that right was being fought for, and eventually won, it was appalling to people. It was still taboo even after the victory. But now? It's an everyday occurrence. No one thinks twice about it.

January 31, 1865 - Slavery is abolished. Need I say more on that one?

April 10, 1968 - The Civil Rights Act of 1968 prohibited discrimination concerning the sale, rental, and financing of housing based on race, religion, national origin. It also made it a federal crime to "by force or by threat of force, injure, intimidate, or interfere with anyone … by reason of their race, color, religion, or national origin." Now THIS seems familiar, doesn't it? Churches telling congregations to avoid african americans like the plague. Parts of the government telling their citizens to ban african americans from everything. Parents teaching their children to hate someone because they are different. There are assassinations, beatings, tortures, kidnappings, destruction of property, and more terror than we like to remember. African Americans on one side, white people on the other. And those white people that supported African Americans? They were treated with the same disgust and hate. Why support someone who is different than you? Why would you uphold such a crazy belief that we are all people? But where is all that hate now? I don't see states, governments, or churches banning African Americans from their equal rights. 

Since the beginning, America has been fighting a never ending battle. There will always be someone feeling like they aren't being treated equally. Are we going to be able to help every single person. Of course not. That's unrealistic. But why are we so resistant to change?

If you are religious, it makes more sense in my mind to fill your churches with the sinners, the people that need the saving. You want to "save" someone from the homosexuality? You're going to have better luck with them in church. You don't ban someone from the hospital with a broken leg do you? 

If you are religious, where does it say that you are going straight to hell without so much as a "see you later" in the bible? Where does it say that if you are gay or lesbian or transgender that there is no chance that God will forgive you? Where does it say that anyone who is different from you is going to burn in hell while you watch and eat popcorn? Hint: IT DOESN'T. 

And let's say, for argument's sake, that it did. Where does the bible say that YOU are going to hell if you don't cram your beliefs down someone's throat? I hear the comeback for this constantly - "But homoesexuals are craming their beliefs down my throat by forcing me to accept them."

No. No they aren't. They are asking for the same rights that you have. They are asking for the same right African Americans have. They are asking for the same rights that women have. They are asking to be treated like people.

Would you deny yourself the right to marry who you love? Would you kick yourself out of your home because you are different? Would you allow someone to beat you within an inch of your life because you aren't the right gender to vote? Would you allow someone to set you on fire because your skin is a different color? No. Interesting concept, right?

Here's where I stand on the whole debate. 

I support same-sex marriages. I have friends and family member that are homosexual. I love them. And I want them to be able to marry whoever they damn well please. I'm not about to judge or tell them they can't do something because I believe something different. I'm not about to play God and make that decision for someone else. Because you know what? My hands aren't clean. If yours are, please, pick up a stone and start throwing. But I'll be damned if I don't call you a liar first. 

Thank you for being the amazing men that you are and were. This world would stop spinning without you here to hold it together. Women like to say we keep the world spinning (it might have something to do with that whole child-birth thing, but whatev's). But I would like to let you in on a secret. 

You dudes, you dads, play a HUGE part in the spinning world. Who teaches our sons to care about women, learn to fish, fix a flat tire (because Lord knows I don't want to), and be strong for those you care about? Who teaches our daughters to expect nothing than the best from their significant others, to play softball, cook a mean steak to make her husband (assuming you let her date before she's 30), and that she will never be alone in the world?

Give you one guess....

You do! Dads do. Fathers are their sons hero and their daughters Prince Charming. You are your wives King (just don't forget to take out the trash before you sit on your throne in front of the TV). You are more important than you think. You are more important than you could ever realize. 

Because let's face it. Without you, there would be no us. 

Just don't let it go to your head. 

Parents switching roles can be tricky business. It's no small feat, and when you have two kids under three, you have to be delicate. But more than that, you in a way have to reconfigure the whole construction of the family. 

Kyle and I have been working hard at this for just over two months now. Getting the kids used to the idea that mommy wouldn't be home all the time anymore was actually the easy part. Kyle and I both thought it would take at least a week before the kids leveled out. But they both surprised us and didn't really seem to notice. They still got to eat pizza and play outside. They're good.

What Kyle and I have been struggling with, is the change of roles between the two of us. Finding that happy balance where we are both getting what we want and need is turning out to the surprisingly messy. We are having to learn to compromise on a lot of big things. 

I work six days a week. Most days when I get home, I'm super ecstatic to see my kids and Kyle. I love hanging out with them in the backyard for a few hours. Kyle wants me to go have some alone time. He doesn't want me to have to deal with the kids after working all day. I love that. I love that he wants to take care of me. But just because I work outside the home now doesn't mean I'm not a mom still and have to "deal" with screaming children. It happens to the best of us. And he had to do the same thing when he was working.

Now that he's a stay-at-home dad, I don't feel like he's getting as many breaks or as good of breaks as I did when I was a stay-at-home mom. He's with the kids for much longer than I ever was on a more consistent basis. I'm glad that he's able to do that (I'm actually crazy jealous about that). But nap-time doesn't count as a good break. That's a necessary one. And in my mind, going on a date with me isn't the same either. Everyone needs alone time to recombobulate. 

We are slowly but surely stumbling our way through this transition phase. Everyday gets a little bit better and a little easier to wade through. I know we are getting there. But I'm a super impatient person. Actually, Kyle and I both are (which explains why Chase can't wait for me to finish peeing before he starts demanding juice). So this period of crazy limbo is frustrating to both of us. 

One thing that this has helped without a doubt is our ability to communicate. I've always been able to communicate. Whether or not is was done well or with grace is totally up for debate (and I'm sure some of my family would happily yell NOPE! for you if you ask). But all of this is forcing us to learn to communicate better with each other. Seriously ladies, this man is willingly TALKING to me! Crazy!

Everyday I'm thankful that I'm going through all of this with Kyle. He hates parts of this journey because it's unfamiliar territory (emotions, feelings, screaming children, etc.) and it can be really daunting. I'm feeling pretty small too. Lots of things are going on at work constantly and I'm still trying to learn everything. Throw in still trying to figure out this whole wife and mother shindig and you've got one confused chicka (and yet another reason I am so thrilled to have my meds). 

It's going to keep getting better. Kyle, the kids, and I will at some point figure all this out. Our family will at some point level all out. But in the meantime, who doesn't love a good see-saw?