like I need to cheer you on. But, I’m also human.
I’m sorry. Right now, I’m going to break down and have a moment of weakness. Stay with me though.
Let me set this up for you right now. I’m in my bedroom, in the basement. I’m sitting on my queen sized bed that’s covered in a power blue comforter. My phone
is blasting music (right now it’s Panic! at the Disco). I’m siting with my back to the door so if someone walks in, they can’t see the tears falling onto the keyboard of my laptop. I’ll have a second or two to compose myself before anyone would see me.
It’s just allergies. My contacts are bugging me. (And now Hey Brother by
Avicii is playing) I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.
Um. Yeah. About that.
Not so much today.
I’m struggling. I hate coming off a couple of good days. You feel like your
lows are an extra 30 feet deep. It’s a bitch. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
right now to feel better, to not hate myself, not hate my life, not hate the
stupid place I’m stuck in. I know there are some shining moments in my life (my
wedding, my husband, my family, my precious babies), but right now, I can’t even
see them glimmering in the distance. I can’t see them through all the shit
sitting in front of me right now. I can’t find that small beam of light that
I’ve been walking, no, crawling towards for a while now. It’s gone. Someone
forgot to pay the electric bill. (Cue I See the Light from Disney’s Tangled. The
irony is not lost on me, I assure you)
Right now, I feel like I can’t do my job. I can’t take care of my family. I
can’t function correctly, and I’m so broken that I shouldn’t be trying to help
anyone else. I feel like I’m not doing enough. I don’t feel like my in-laws
think I do enough around the house, which is why I bust my ass EVERY SINGLE DAY
trying to keep everything clean, picked up, doing yard work, organizing stuff,
and cooking dinner when they are running late. Today alone I picked up all the
dog poop in the backyard, sprayed and pulled weeds, watered the plants, did
all the dishes (three times now because my mother-in-law keeps filing it
back up), and deep cleaned the shower head in the upstairs bathroom. I
have yet to hear a thank-you.
You remember Mother’s Day? Yeah. I got nothing from my in-laws. Not even a
spoken Happy Mother’s Day (which is all I really wanted). I just wanted them to
acknowledge that even though I feel like my brain is cracking and splitting at
the seams, they see that I’m trying my damnest to keep it together.
(Just Give Me A Reason by Pink)
I feel like I don’t pull my own weight in my family. Bills are piling up
faster than Kyle and I can tackle them, and I’m at home with the kids when I
could be working overnights. I feel like it’s my fault we are still here, living
in a cramped basement, with in-laws who don’t truly respect Kyle and myself as
parents (and sometimes people in general). I try so hard to not be a burden on
anyone, and I feel like I’m failing miserably.
(Let Her Go by Passenger)
I’ve been feeling so bad lately, that I’m starting to lose feeling. And I
know that’s a dangerous thing. I’ve been here before.
Now, no one call the cops, or my mother, or my husband, or myself. I’m not a
danger to myself or others. I’m just putting this into context.
I know this is a dangerous place to be in depression, because this is where
suicide can creep it’s way into your mind and your heart. This is when suicide
penetrates your very soul, telling you that you can make all the pain stop with
one or two simple moves. This is when the dark really gets a hold of you. This
is when you lose hope and just want the pain to stop. This is exactly how I felt
before I tried committing suicide six years ago. I didn’t want to kill
myself. I wanted all the pain to stop. That’s not something that a lot of people
will or even can explain (because they succeed).
(Let It Go by Disney’s Frozen)
Back to that war with myself. I can actually hear myself telling myself to
keep pushing. To keep trying. To keep uplifting others who read this blog,
ask me for help online or in person, or smiling at people you come into
contact with on a daily basis. I can hear myself telling myself that it will get
better. The light will come back on. I’ll find my way out of this shit of
situation. Then I hear that voice get engulfed into darkness.
(The Monster by Eminem)
I can feel the battle of wills in my head. I can feel the two sides fighting.
I can feel my sanity trying to grasp on by fingertips while this “craziness”
starts stepping on it’s fingers. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. I’m
starting to feel like I’m actually going crazy. I feel myself slipping slowly
farther into a place beyond reckoning, and there’s nothing I can do to save
myself. I’m clinging onto my husband, my family, and my wonderful children, but
I don’t want to drag them down with me. I think I’m starting to. I know I’m not,
but I can’t truly convince myself that I’m not. That they are okay. I’m not
breaking them down too. It’s a purely awful feeling that you can’t shake.
And here’s the part of the post that I turn this on it’s head. I show you the
silver lining to all of this. (Radioactive by Imagine Dragons) This is were I
try to give you the upward push that you need and so desperately want.
This is where I will fail you for today. I’ve got nothing. Today is one of
those lows that I can’t even bring myself to search for the shining truth in all
the madness. The beckon of hope that someone, anyone can grasp onto. That beckon
of hope is shining down on me as a curl into the fetal position from all the
pain in my heart right now. I’m sorry I can’t help you today. I’m sorry I can’t
give you any advice, help, or a thought to even ponder. All I can say is I’m
human. And today is not my day…
(Ready, AIm, Fire by Imagine Dragons)