*Warning - This post contains content with adult nature*
At least not any more...
Since I was little, I've never seen myself with one person. I've never been content with the idea of just one person for eternity. It scared me, intimidated me, and made me sad. I didn't want to miss out on life. And what if I got it wrong? What if I ended up with one person, and my "one" came along? How could I be certain I was with the person I was meant to be with?
Well, there was no way to be sure. Some people talk about a feeling you get. You just know. Whatever... That was not something I was confident in.
When I started college, that's when things got interesting. I was dating multiple guys constantly. At the time, I was doing it in a very messed up way. Short version: I was a cheater. I was never completely happy in any given relationship. I always wanted more, or different, or something. At one point, when I was 19, I was seeing four guys at once, and they had no idea about the others. (Well, one kinda figured, but never confirmed or said anything at the time.) They all made me happy in their own way. I never dated two of the same guys. They all were different, none of them had many of the same interests.
And I loved it.
It wasn't until after Kyle and I were married, as I went back to therapy, that my therapist told me this was a thing. It's not that I'm a bad person. It's that I'm wired that way. And there was nothing wrong with that.
Polyamory: the practice or condition of participating simultaneously in more than one serious romantic or sexual relationship.
When Kyle and I split, I moved in with my boyfriend. He and I have been dating since before Kyle and I split. We just moved into an apartment together a few weeks ago actually. It's been amazing.
Part of the reason that this relationship is working as well as it is is for two reasons. One, we are both polyamorous. We both want to have the ability to explore other relationships. And we are confident enough in ourselves to know that the other will always come home to us. I have no doubt in my mind that no matter who else my boyfriend starts dating, he will always come home to me. I am his home.
Does that mean Kyle and I didn't have that? No. Absolutely not. But he's not poly. He's monogamous. Sharing me was too hard for him. He tried though. That wonderful man tried. But it didn't work. And I couldn't hide that part of myself anymore.
So I'm not.
The second reason that the relationship with my boyfriend is working so well and is so strong is because we are part of the BDSM community. He has the title of my Master, and I am his Slave. But our relationship wasn't always that way. It morphed into that.
Without going into too much detail (cause even with the warning, there are some things that I just don't need to share with you), I need very specific things in my life. I need to be dominated and controlled to function. My boyfriend is able to do that for me. Is it a 24/7 gig? No. That's not something we feel we need right now. But you can be sure as shit that I cook him dinner, I clean our home, I constantly ask if he needs anything, and you can sometimes find me sitting as his feet. It's a 50's household to an extent, and I'm happy it's that way. The BDSM aspect is just an extension of that.
In the past couple of weeks, I've also started seeing another guy. He's poly as well. He and I share similar interests, dancing being one of the big ones. My boyfriend doesn't dance, so that's just one of the many aspects that he doesn't have to fill. Someone else who genuinely enjoys that can. Both of them have met, and get along amazingly. I'm able to go out to the club, have both of them there, and it not be weird. I can dance with one, while the other is content to watch how happy I am dancing. I can get my boyfriend a drink, while the other one admires how I dote on him.
Does any of this make anyone involved more or less of a person? Does it make us horrible people? Does it makes us better people?
No. It makes us people. Being poly and into BDSM doesn't make me a better or worse woman, mother, girlfriend, daughter, human being. It makes me just that. A woman, mother, girlfriend, daughter, and a HUMAN BEING.
I will never shame someone for being monogamous. It's something that I tried, and I wasn't happy. It just doesn't work for me. I need to be able to explore whatever feelings I have for another person. I don't want to be kept in a box on the shelf.
And no, I'm not using polyamory to get away with sleeping around. I don't sleep around. I get to know the other person before anything else happens. I'm not a slut or a whore. I'm still very careful about who I start relationships with, just as if I were single and monogamous. So don't even go there.
So here I stand. A mother of two kids, with a full-time job, dealing with depression and anxiety, who loves this crazy thing called polyamory. It's what works for me. Does it work for everyone? No. Should it? Absolutely not.
Do what makes you happy. Follow your heart. If it leads you to just one, go for it. Enjoy it. Embrace it. If your heart leads you to several, got for it. Enjoy it. Embrace it.
Just don't be afraid to be the real you...