Today, Chase turns 2. He's camping this week, so I won't see him until I drive over tomorrow morning. But, it also gives me time to get my tears out now.
I don't remember two years flying by so quickly in my entire life. I was hoping time would slow down so I could savory and soak in those precious moments with my baby, because they don't stay babies for long. But, no. The speed by and leave you breathless.
You've changed so much in two years, sweet Bug. From this, well, I can't really say little, you oinker, but amazing baby with the one of the best smiles in the world. You were always looking to be a big boy though. You were so anxious to move and to do new things. You loved the dogs and how they kissed your toes. And such a good sleeper! Mommy and Daddy got very lucky!
It wasn't long before you were crawling, and then in the blink of an eye you were walking. Once you finally got moving, you never slowed down. I'm still waiting for you to run out of energy. I don't know where it comes from! And how you loved the ladies! Always smiling and waiting for every girl you saw to come say hi to you. You would actually get mad if they didn't stop and say how cute you were.
You've always been curious and stubborn. You were, and still are, into everything. You love exploring and trying new things. But, your stubbornness gets you into trouble. You don't like the word no, and are constantly testing the limits. You drive me crazy some days, but I do admire you're ability to not take things at face value. That will serve you well when you are older.
You've always been stupid smart. I'm shocked by how witty and how fast you catch onto things. You learned basic sign language like it was nothing. You love showing off you're new signs you learn, and are slowly using more and more words. You would rather talk to yourself in gibberish. You can often be found talking to yourself in your made up language and then laughing hysterically at yourself. You are so funny (at least you think you are)!
I've never met a little boy more in love with his sister, either. Even when she was still inside my tummy, you loved her. You would hug and kiss my tummy. You would protect me from the dogs. You loved feeling her kick. And when you finally got to kiss her cheek, you're face lit up in a way I've never seen before. And she loves you just as much. She gets the biggest, goofiest grin on her face when you are around her. She loves playing with you and watching you do big kid stuff. I'm so amazed by your eagerness to help with her too. You get diapers, throw the dirty ones away, but dirty bottle in the sink, rub her tummy when she's crying, and give her toys that she's thrown on the floor. You also make sure she's never without her binkie.
Now you are two, and I'm trying to grab a hold of something to make time slow down. I want to make it slow down so I can make things better.
This past year has been rough for us. With mommy and daddy getting married, the arrival of your sister, and mommy being sick, you and I have struggled. I'm saddened to say that, to me, part of this year was missed. I spent so much time being depressed and angry because of it, that I missed so much time with you. I missed precious moments that I will never get back, and for that I am sorry. But, in the big picture of things, I would rather it happen now, during a time you won't really remember, so I CAN be there for you when you are older.
But it's still hard for me to think back and remember this past year. I was miserable. And I was miserable to you. Constantly yelling, being mad, frustrated, always wanting to be alone, and trying to figure out why I signed up for all of this. I'm getting better though. With therapy, a psychiatrist, and medicine, mommy if finally turning back into mommy. And I'm so relieved.
I love you, Bug. Despite our bad days and our continued struggles, I will always love you. You are my little boy, and nothing will ever change that. I'm so excited to see what the years bring us. I'm so anxious to watch you grow up and become a wonderful man. You and I can get through anything together.
Enjoy your day, Bug.